Memoirs

The Stories I Need to Tell Before the Porridge Sets

A few months ago, I had one of those "the end is nigh" moments. At seventy years old, I realised around 85% of my life was over, and I decided I'd better get my memories down before Alzheimer's or something equally as fucking nasty came along to turn my brain to mushy porridge.

This blog started out as a simple memoir for my daughter—a record of a life that has been anything but ordinary. It quickly became much more: a place where I can speak my mind, whether I'm ranting about the bloody absurdity of life coaches or waffling on about wasps with attitude.

The heart of this site remains my story.

Here on this page, you'll find the tale of my life, starting with a childhood growing up poor in working-class Swansea, South Wales, right through to my service in the British Army. There are still plenty of tales to be written, and a few that'll probably get me told off by my daughter — so stay tuned.

1954 - 1962 Wern Fawr Road Port Tennant

This is where it all began: a crowded, noisy house in Port Tennant where I learned life's pecking order, both in the family and out on The Bank. The stories below are listed in a rough chronological order.

• The World We Built on Wern Fawr Road

• 14 Wern Fawr Road: Life in a 1950s Welsh household where memory shapes the truth

• The Bank: Kick the Can and Second World War Shootouts

• Kilvey Hill: When Sociopathic Kids Met Baby Frogs

• Criminal Masterminds Aged 7

• The Gospel According to Angel Cake: How a slice of sponge cake bought our eternal salvation at the Ebenezer Gospel Hall

• Guy Fawkes Night: Tyre Raids, Bonfire Battles and the Worst Guy Ever

• How My Brother and I Nearly Killed Each Other (Twice)

• The Day I Buried My Shoes and Dug a Hole of Lies

• Pets, Poodles and a Cinder-Eating Wonderdog

• School Days: Peeing Contests, Playground Crushes, and a Chipped Tooth

• Fishing, Sewer Pipes and the Slip: Summer Days by the Sea

• Whit Monday: Dress Up, Shake Down

• The Fishmonger's Ice, a Drifting Dredger, and the Longing to Be Named Tim

1962 - 1966 Bardsey Avenue Blaenymaes

Our 'posh' move to a council estate that looked like the big time to my eight-year-old eyes, and where I perfected the art of the five-fingered discount.The stories below are listed in a rough chronological order.

• Mapping a Lost World: A Return to Blaenymaes

• The Best Time of My Life: Leaving Wern Fawr Road

• First Impressions of Blaenymaes Or: Why Seagulls Fly Upside Down Over Bardsey Avenue

• The Last One Picked: Playground Lessons from Blaenymaes

• The Woods

• Hungry Kids, Smoker Parents, and the Plastic Camera

• It’s Not a Donkey, It’s a Monster… and Other Tales of Mild Childhood Psychopathy

• Me Against Them: Theft, Resentment, and the Stuff I Wanted

• Bedtime Stories

• The Day JFK Died: Or Why I Hate Lee Harvey Oswald

• Mr Williams, Mr Powell, and the Dalek Invasion of Swansea

• Brains, Blazers and Bitter Pills

• Dynevor Grammar School: A Lesson in Class and Clout

• Life Without an Electricity Bill

• Rediffusion and How to Make Money from Rented TVs

• My Father, the Rooftop Aerialist and Suicide Electrician

1962 – 1980s Gors Avenue, Mayhill

This is where my grandparents settled after we all left Port Tennant. Their house on Gors Avenue became a constant throughout my childhood and into my adult life, with stories overlapping from Blaenymaes and beyond until the mid-1980s. The memories below are listed in a rough chronological order.

• My Sanctuary on the Hill: Memories of Mayhill and My Nan

• Nan - The Woman Who Raised Me

• The Tory Taxi Service and Other Nan Stories

• The Day My Nan Confronted the Grammar School

• The Story That Welcomed Every Girlfriend

1966 – 1970 Trapp, Carmarthenshire

Our escape from Swansea's bailiffs led us to the rural village of Trapp. Here, in a former farm called Maesyffynnon, we found a feral childhood paradise of woods, orchards, and a completely new set of rules—both at school and in the lanes we sometimes hitchhiked to get there.

• The Debtors' Hideout: Our Time in Trapp

• The Human Javelin and Other Maesyffynnon Adventures

• The Test of the Working Hands

• The Maesyffynnon Chocolate Bar Scam

• Our Brief Career in Amateur Slug Science

More stories from this period coming soon.

1970 The Army: an Introduction

This is the story of an escape. In 1970, a desperate boy from the Welsh valleys walked into a recruitment office to change his life. He found a career, a trade, and a tragedy that would define him. These are the memories and the hard-won opinions from that journey.

• The Lazy Recruiter and Rich Men's Wars: My Army Introduction

• Come Back in Ten Days": The Sentence That Changed My Life

• The Uniform I Wore to His Funeral

1970 - 1972 Army Apprentices College Harrogate

At fifteen, I swapped the fields of Trapp for the parade grounds of Harrogate, where the Army Apprentices College promised to turn scruffy Welsh boys into skilled tradesmen and disciplined soldiers. For two years, I learned to march in step, bull my boots to a mirror shine, and navigate the peculiar hierarchy of military life. These are the stories from those years: equal parts comedy, camaraderie, and the slow transformation from desperate kid to Radio Telegraphist A/T.

• The Making of Military Tradesmen

• The Journey to Harrogate: Broken Zips, Melted Mars Bars, and the End of Childhood

• First Impressions at Harrogate: Juicy Lucy, Dirty Ears, and My First Fight

• A New Wardrobe: From Rags to Khaki Riches

More stories from this period coming soon.

1972 - 1974 - 1 Armoured Division HQ and Signal Regiment, Verden BAOR

At seventeen, I flew to West Germany on a backwards-facing RAF VC-10 and joined 1 Armoured Division as part of the British Army of the Rhine. For two years, I spent nine months annually on Cold War exercises, freezing in German forests whilst operating Larkspur radio sets and learning that defending freedom mostly meant being permanently cold, wet, and tired.

• First Flight on the Backwards Express: My Arrival in Cold War Germany

• The Price of Freedom: Or Freezing Your Balls Off in a German Forest

• Why the Soviets Should Have Invaded West Germany on a Friday Night

More stories from this period coming soon.

1974 - 1975 - 70 Army Youth Team (Royal Signals), Cardiff

After two years freezing in German forests, I was posted to 70 Army Youth Team at Maindy Barracks in Cardiff, just 50 miles from home. Army Youth Teams provided youth organisations with outdoor activities like rock climbing, assault courses, and survival skills that they couldn't organise themselves. Our mission was low-key recruitment, public relations, and professional development for young NCOs learning to work with civilians.

• From Germany to Cardiff: Patent Leather Shoes and the Bedsit of Despair

• The Cross Country Test: How My Boss's Cunning Plan Spectacularly Backfired

More stories from this period coming soon.

1975 Royal Military Police Training Depot, Chichester.

In 1975 I transferred from the Royal Signals to the Royal Military Police and reported to the RMP Training Depot at Roussillon Barracks in Chichester. After years of Harrogate discipline and German exercises, Chichester felt like luxury - carpeted floors, no one tipping your bed over, and professional training without the psychotic edge.

• From Scaleybacks to Monkeys: A New Life in the Military Police

1975 - 1977: 170 Provost Company RMP, Edinburgh

After Chichester, I was posted to 170 Provost Company Royal Military Police—with living quarters inside Edinburgh Castle itself. For two years, I worked as a uniformed MP in one of Britain's most historic cities, ran up Arthur's Seat multiple times weekly under the watchful eye of CSM John Fitzpatrick (the best Sergeant Major I ever served with), and discovered that living in a castle on top of a volcanic rock has one major disadvantage: the climb home after a night on the Royal Mile.

More stories from this period coming soon.

• Edinburgh Castle: The Best Quarters in the Army (and the Worst Climb Home)

1977 - 1980: 178 Provost Company RMP (Investigations) Lisburn Northern Ireland

Stories from this period coming soon.

1980 - 1981: 3 Det Special Investigations Branch, Rheindahlen Germany

Stories from this period coming soon.